Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

 ---------------------------------------------------

 Two hunters, Paul and Bill, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Bill, "So, what do you hunt?"

Bill answered "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

Bill replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help

me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a

unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off

a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Bill said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns

around, either!"

 ---------------------------------------------------

 A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.  The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"

"Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!"

 ---------------------------------------------------

 A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.  His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

 ---------------------------------------------------

 According to an abcnews.com feature story, nearly eight in 10 people polled said lack of respect and courtesy is a serious national problem, and six in 10 said the problem is getting worse. Symptoms cited are talking loudly on cell phones in public; driving obnoxiously; leaving people on hold; cursing

and littering. The remaining respondents were quoted as saying: "Here's a quarter, go call someone who gives a shit."

 ---------------------------------------------------

 One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya'know, if you go on like this,

you're going to lose ALL your friends."

 ---------------------------------------------------

One of computer techs was at my computer adjusting some settings, so I took the opportunity to ask him a question.

"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"

He kept working, but without missing a beat, he said, "It will burn when you pee."

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and had gone, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bad fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

 

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The stodgy town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors
changed it to:
"Hysteria's and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they
changed the sign to:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

Again they got thumbs down! So next they tried:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."

And that was a no-go; so then came:
"Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good. They asked how about:
"Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again. So they tried:
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes."

Still no go. Nor did:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."

Nor:
"Nuts and Butts."

Nor:
"Freaks and Cheeks."

Nor:
"Loons and Moons."

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they
thought might be acceptable to the prudish council:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And so it was "APPROVED!"

 

 

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first
football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After
the game, he asked her how she liked the experience

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter
back!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

 

 

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* You put your clean pots in the oven for storage.

* Your relatives take photos and videos at a wake.

* You have to say "Bendición" to your grandmother/mother/aunts

when you come in and before you leave.

* You call all cereal "con flay" and you call any sneaker "tenis".

* You can't leave a party without taking home a plate of food.

* You found out about a Saturday party on Wednesday.

* "La Correa" (belt) or "La Chancla" (slipper) were used to discipline

you.

* You blast the music at 8am to clean the house on a Saturday.

* The whole family gathers around and stands still in front of the

video camera at a wedding, baptism, or birthday party and just smiles

like its a regular camera.

* You set up a "hamaca" (hammock) whenever your family goes to

the park.

* Your mother keeps the rice in a big green soda-cracker can and

instead of a scoop inside it's a tea cup with a broken handle.

* Your favorite dish is pegao (crunchy rice)

* You have an aunt who sells pasteles on the side.

* It could be 100 degrees outside and your mom is cooking pernil in

the oven.

* You're proud to be Puerto Rican - and you pass these jokes on to

all your Puerto Rican friends!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

Y Dios pobló la tierra con espinaca, coliflor, brócoli, y todo tipo de vegetales, para que el hombre y la Mujer puedan alimentarse y llevar una vida sana.

Y SATANAS creó McDonald's.

Y McDonald's creó el Big Mac.

Y Satanás dijo al Hombre: -"¿Lo quieres con Papas fritas y Coca Cola?"

Y el Hombre dijo: -"Agrandado, por favor."

Y el Hombre engordó.

Y Dios dijo: -"Haya yogurt, para que la mujer conserve la silueta
que he creado con la costilla del Hombre."

Y Satanás creó el chocolate.

Y la Mujer engordó.

Y creó Dios las verduras en ensaladas y el aceite de oliva; y vio que estaba bien.

Y Satanás hizo el helado.

 Y la mujer engordó.

Y Dios dijo: -"Miren que les he dado frutas en abundancia, que les
servirán de alimento."

Y Satanás produjo el choripán con chimichurri casero.

Y el Hombre engordó, y su colesterol malo se fue por las nubes.

Y creó Dios las tennis y el Hombre decidió correr para perder los kilos de más.

Y Satanás concibió la television con cable y agregó el control remoto para que el Hombre no tuviese que caminar para cambiar de canal, entre ESPN y MTV, con el sudor de su frente.

 Y el Hombre aumentó de peso.

Y vio Satanás que estaba bien.

 Y el Hombre llegó a tener las coronarias tapadas.

Y dijo Dios: "No es bueno que el hombre tenga un infarto."

 Y entonces creó el cateterismo y la cirugía cardiovascular.

¿¿¿¿¿Y qué creen que se le ocurrió a Satanás?????.


Creó el SISTEMA DE SALUD PUBLICO

 ¡¡¡¡¡PARA QUE TODOS SE JODIERAN!!!!

 

 

If you Love Something

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:

If you love something,

Set it free...

If it comes back, it's yours,

If it doesn't, it never was yours....

 

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she ever comes back, she's yours,

If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

 

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

Don't worry, she will come back.

 

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she comes back, and if you love her still,

Set her free again, repeat *

 

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second

Amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly

states that...

 

THE BILL GATES VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If she comes back,

I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and

tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

 

 MY space (MINE ALL MINE!!!) VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free...

If it doesn't come back PRETTY DAMN QUICK,

Go hunt it down and tie it up in the basement.

 

If you don’t love somebody,

Set it free...

if it comes back,

shoot it or poison it and bury it in the backyard.

 

 

 

A LESSON IN CUSTOMER SERVICE . . . 

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

 A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a Long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".

 The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

 Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

 We have a passenger here at Gate14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."